When I get that feeling…

The people you would die for, would they die for you in turn?  Would you die for them still if the answer was no?

You are my blood but I don’t believe I’m a part of you.

Acceptance of God and other Bed Time stories

For most of you who know me, which lets be frank, isn’t a lot of you; you know that I don’t have a huge belief system that ties in with religion. I believe in the inherent goodness and darkness than lies in every soul and I believe that life is your journey in finding out whether you live your life in the shade or in the light.

I’ve been asked over and over again what my religious affiliation is and the response is always almost the same: I grew up Hindu, my mother is radically protestant, the extended family is More so catholic but follow old West Indian traditions that they grew up with which translates to Indian which translates to Indian.

At the end of the day, I was raised to be a good person. All of my values were pointedly taught and learned. Do good for others without expectancy, nurture the world around you, live like tomorrow is never promised, cherish the people you love, die for those you care for etc…God was just a word that brought everything together.

Now that I’m older I can definitely say that I’m more cynic than blind believer. I know God, or whatever he/she/it is called can accept that since I am merely made in his/her/their image. Historically, Jesus is not someone I can put my money on. I do not believe in the Historical Jesus. Symbolically, he makes sense, like all the other gods of old cultures that have died and lived in the exact likeness of the sacrificial lamb. Jesus, is a metaphor in my mind, for what every person can be, he is the example of what a Father would want, would like for each of his children. God never meant, in my understanding for Jesus to be worshiped. Let me give you an example, if you dad is a Neurosurgeon, would the hospital call you into work if your dad was unavailable? Checkmate.

God is the core of all things. God is the way a lover smiles, the way the sun helps plants grow, how roses blossom, how a river swells, how children see people for what they really are, how our eyes perceive color, how our tongue tastes..god is the representation of everything we can’t explain, everything we wish we understood, everything we know we could never comprehend. God is a thought. An idea. A compartmentalization of greatness, existential, ethereal awesomeness that is illusive and beyond our influence.

Religion boils down to powerful/influential men convincing you that you have to follow their guidelines in order to experience God, in his/her/its full glory. The only way to give thanks isn’t crying prostrate in church on sunday, or not moving a muscle on the sabbath, or even aarti at Mandir. The way that you experience god is to find him/her/it in the stillness when everything you feel and think can be transcended, can be lifted and moved…when your mind and body are ready to take in a higher power, you naturally open up to the encounter. The reason why people spend years falling deeper and deeper into religion and never feel anything but still go on, is because they are convinced that seeking god means disappointment, prayers will go unanswered, heartbreak and loneliness will follow. A network of people going through the same things, seeking god…becomes convincing.

Oh, and just so we’re clear. I’m not judging. I’m sharing. I was one of the people who spent all their free time at church, hell, I lived in the same building as the church. Worked at the church, was in the choir, taught Sunday school, assistant to the youth pastor. I was there for everything. I felt nothing. I was empty. I was bored, and while I was there, I came to understand that most people who were at church felt the same way. I stopped going, because I couldn’t bear the charade.

Looking for answers lead me to a quiet place. Where I was at peace. Where I didn’t have to pretend to be anyone else.

I’ve always respected religion, and its ability to tame people who have no value system and make them afraid of the unknown. I respect the community aspect of churches and how good they can be for people who have nothing else. I don’t respect people who judge me because I am no longer one of them. Sheep. I dislike people who try to force their religion on me. You are not better than me because you have rules on how to be a good person and I don’t. Don’t look down your nose at me. Ever. I’m normally more than willing to put a religious zealot in their place. With all of this said, I encourage everyone to explore their religious options at all times never forgetting that it is always a choice. Yes, there is a higher power, but because it is just that, we have no idea of the implications, we can not understand or explain it to someone else.

I wish everyone best of luck in their spiritual journeys and I hope that we all get to nirvana.

/bows/

Taking it easy

Eh.

I don’t know how to is the bottom line. I have Costochondritis which is a schmancy way of saying my ribs/cartilage in my chest are inflammed.

I’m working on it.

Hopefully in a week or two, I’ll be back to 100% and can run around like a chicken with its head cut off again.

Happy Thanksgiving…in advance.

On goodness

I have to say that amongst the negativity I’ve met good people, who I wish I could be the pinnacle of good to in return for their kindness and patience…but I don’t do that well. Instead, I will acknowledge that everything isn’t always all bad however I wish I could do more to make them happier, livelier people with more vivid lives.

You guys know who you are, I’ll do this in person tomorrow, at work.

Random Thought #1

There comes a time in your life where you nit-pick at everything hoping that you can find someone of importance that everyone else is missing and sometimes you have to accept…that there is nothing there. That your life in invariably the same as most people’s; you’re not special, you’re not unique. You’re a part of the daily grind, with your alarm for work, you 10 minute shower and your rush to get out of the house every morning.

What is the defining factor of a human life? What does one need to do to be unique?

Kindle and Audio Books

Kindle 2 looks great, way too expensive for something that can only handle one function and looks fragile so…definitely not something I can actually buy (I would break it the first day, I’m sure) I’m okay with the actual books, going to the book store, talking to random people in the aisles, getting recommendations when you pick up a book to read the cover; the social aspect of it all is important as well. I’m sure that the amount of money I would spend on books would be relatively the same and I can use that extra $300 to buy more books which I can pass on to a friend, keep for a loved one etc. I got slightly caught up in the gadget aspect of the Kindle and the Kindle 2 that I forgot that reading a book was more than just the actual reading.

Just like how going to star bucks is more than actually getting a cup of over priced coffee, juice, coffee-juice or tea with a long name. The gadgets are about keeping up, having the latest technology while books are about the mind, the interaction, sharing and imagination.

Audio books to me are dumb unless you are driving for more than 10 hours and you don’t have company; but then again it might bore you to sleep. Why would you want someone to read you a book unless you’re a child that wants to go to bed and why would you want some random Microsoft Sam or Microsoft Jill voice reading you a mystery novel? Makes no sense. Well, not to me anyways, I’m not calling you stupid or dumb if you listen to audio books on your ipod on the train when you could just simply have the book in your hand and read it…I’m just saying that as a writer and reader; you’d take more away if you read it yourself, in your own voice, with your own emotions.

Read Smart People.

Doubt

I would cross oceans and climb mountains and harness the energies of worlds long gone for you, little girl love all grown up, completely understanding and still ever pure but we’re different people now, you want different things and still run away from our need of each other.

I wonder how it would be if we were ever apart, if you found someone you could tolerate and I found someone I could bear and we lived separate lives…hoping beyond all hope that one day we would see each other again, feel each other again…

Would it all be the same with someone else? Would you go through the motions would you hurt yourself? Can love be enough can pain reinforce values? Doubt. You need me. You miss me and I’m nothing without you.

Untitled

I know you’ll see me
looking back at you
eyes wide, brown and new
searching for a way to comfort you.
Tell me who you are
I’d guard it with my heart
show me all your scars

We can be
I can be
better
healed

Hold my hand
Don’t let go
I’m strong I know but
help me
I want to let you in
Forgive my past sins
I want to be with you

Let’s never give this up
this echo of love in our souls
never
let this be
our healing
our need
our love
our acquaintance with god

Come with me

Transitional Thoughts

Death

bring me back

my god

my faith

Judge me

bring to me heaven

on my knees

I believe

Letters to Love – What just happened?

We’ve been infatuated with each other forever, the hope of a sweet kiss and a gentle touch has stroked our egos and lit our fires for years, but where are we now? I shudder to think that our relationship could have gone so cold, no more talking, no more showing, no more hoping. Where did we go wrong? Was this mutual or was it you or I, locked up in our worlds, praying that everything on the outside would be waiting for us when we returned?

You shocked me with your candor, that is, you shocked me with your pain. Opened up wounds I thought I’d long forgotten, teased me with a past that was completely consuming. What is your ploy? Why do you hurt me? Did I not tend to you as I said I would? Keeping you warm on cold days, opening my arms and my heart and my soul and rendering it to you, pretty please on top with a red bow? Haven’t I been patient? Explaining, straight forward, noble?

We were supposed to be right, the right way to love, the example, the gold standard. How will this go on? Which one of us will break it to our mutual friends. They’ll take your side, you’re perfect. I love you. Don’t go. We couldn’t work it out? I couldn’t make another sacrifice to set things right? Have you see me in the light that I see you? Isn’t there anything I could do?

Don’t do this, don’t pity my with your sympathetic nods and your cold stares. I wanted you to want me as bad as I wanted, no needed you. I wanted you to understand me the way that I thought I understood you. Can you hear me now as I cry into the night, lighting a candle on your side of the room? I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I take it back, let’s start over. I can change, I can be different, I can be someone else, someone you’d want to want, want to need, need to need, need to please. I can be. Anything. Change me. Consume me. Defeat me. Domineer me. Complete me. Fulfil me. Free me.

When you’re not here all I feel is pain and the emptiness that drives poets mad. The eerie silence that makes you want to die, cry, crawl up inside your self and lie. I don’t want to change you, I don’t want to tie you down, you have so much to offer and I don’t have anything else left to give. Believe me.

I know you’re leaving. Just leave.