Growing Up

When I was younger, I always thought that a major accomplishment would be me just reaching a certain age, I saw adult life as a fun, happy life with childhood and adolescence being filled with rules and complications. Now that I’m reaching those milestones, I have to say that I’m not that much happier or free than I was maybe 10 years ago. There was always a huge uncertainty when it came to adult life, how did the bills get paid, why do you have to work such long hours, how do you buy all the things you’d like to have etc…and my mother tried her best to explain that everything is hard, the way you deal with it is by first realizing that it won’t be easy.

I’m trying to apply that to my life now, looking for an apartment, finishing up school, trying to be content, it’s all so foreign to the idea I had that my life would be at this age. I was going to be okay by now, I would have gotten over my past, had my degrees, going into practice, finishing up my book, writing poetry for all the world and loving harder than the sun shines bright….but things don’t always go as you plan. The best you can do, hypothetically is move forward, when the pieces fall apart you can pick the pieces up again if you can find any, or create an entirely new illusion with pieces of the puzzle you remember.

On Friendship. Sidebar.

I’m pleased that I have found a few friends that I can relate to and share my innermost thoughts with, I was beginning to believe that friendship was completely one sided and only lasted up till the person you were friends with had moved on from that particular problem that you were helping them with. What kills me is that I know so many people but they don’t know me, that I love so many people and they don’t know my middle name. Sad really, but reality is sad and grimey and constant and bland and for the most part slightly amusing.

Growing up, loving, hating, being, changing, seeing, seeking, conforming….it’s hard, we can either deal with it or run away from it now and deal with it later.

In search of a Father

My father and my Mother got a divorce when I was too young to remember, growing up I had my grandfather and plethora of male influence, father figures if you will but I was conscious that there was no one I could call daddy, no father daughter time, no secrets between us, no special talks or walks or places we could share…after a while, growing up took precedent over everything and becoming the best person I could be wasn’t entirely dependant on one missing person, will then again, is a person missing if they are making the choice not to be around?

Now that I’m older, reasonably settled and have a path in life; my father has been on my mind. It would be a shame if he passes or if our paths never cross again. I wonder if he has moments where a memory of me invades his entire day or if he ever just wants to know what I look like. I have one picture of my father and his last name, and that’s no longer enough, but how do I find someone that has made no effort or has shown no interest in me? It was easy to answer that question, nothing was done, nothing has been done and I’m fatherless now. I feel the loss every time I look at his picture, see other fathers with their daughters or I see his features in a strangers face.

How do I move on?