After D, Before F

How can I show you the other side of me?
I am scared, alone, broken and battered.
You wouldn’t recognized what’s inside, the dark void of blackness that threatens to swallow me whole, the wild unkempt madness that lingers, that abides by no known rules.

I struggle to maintain the me that you know, what you see.
Smiled are filled with lies that cry tears heavy and pregnant when you’re not with me.
When I’m with you everything is not okay. When I’m with you, everything is okay.

I shudder at your thought of me.
Could you love me? Heart pulsating, happiness shattered; the future shows only pain. I wonder can I truly be yours? Tainted body and mind ripped from childhood to womanhood by adults looking for a fix. I wish I could be free from the scars of fires long gone, dampened by my body. I want to show you smooth lines and sharp colors fading into the explosion of my mind’s silhouette, the dream of what I can be.

You free me
you rob me
of the inhibition to deny myself anything that can make me happy
temporary sanity
for this moment I want you to take me
give me everything

Warm body
numbing finger tips
tingles in my spine
soft clothes against my skin
sweet lines
smooth speech
bright eyes
perfect smile
and that firm tug toward infinity
my estacy

Words Unspoken. Spoken Word.

My words speak, not as loudly as my hands scream, when they are outstretched and waiting for an embrace, a place for my soul to be, to rest, to breathe. Come be with me.
When my heart cries, the sounds are muffled and unending, hidden behind smiles and caring, who am I to ask for something I give for free? Hold me.

Letters to Love – What just happened?

We’ve been infatuated with each other forever, the hope of a sweet kiss and a gentle touch has stroked our egos and lit our fires for years, but where are we now? I shudder to think that our relationship could have gone so cold, no more talking, no more showing, no more hoping. Where did we go wrong? Was this mutual or was it you or I, locked up in our worlds, praying that everything on the outside would be waiting for us when we returned?

You shocked me with your candor, that is, you shocked me with your pain. Opened up wounds I thought I’d long forgotten, teased me with a past that was completely consuming. What is your ploy? Why do you hurt me? Did I not tend to you as I said I would? Keeping you warm on cold days, opening my arms and my heart and my soul and rendering it to you, pretty please on top with a red bow? Haven’t I been patient? Explaining, straight forward, noble?

We were supposed to be right, the right way to love, the example, the gold standard. How will this go on? Which one of us will break it to our mutual friends. They’ll take your side, you’re perfect. I love you. Don’t go. We couldn’t work it out? I couldn’t make another sacrifice to set things right? Have you see me in the light that I see you? Isn’t there anything I could do?

Don’t do this, don’t pity my with your sympathetic nods and your cold stares. I wanted you to want me as bad as I wanted, no needed you. I wanted you to understand me the way that I thought I understood you. Can you hear me now as I cry into the night, lighting a candle on your side of the room? I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I take it back, let’s start over. I can change, I can be different, I can be someone else, someone you’d want to want, want to need, need to need, need to please. I can be. Anything. Change me. Consume me. Defeat me. Domineer me. Complete me. Fulfil me. Free me.

When you’re not here all I feel is pain and the emptiness that drives poets mad. The eerie silence that makes you want to die, cry, crawl up inside your self and lie. I don’t want to change you, I don’t want to tie you down, you have so much to offer and I don’t have anything else left to give. Believe me.

I know you’re leaving. Just leave.

Growing Up

When I was younger, I always thought that a major accomplishment would be me just reaching a certain age, I saw adult life as a fun, happy life with childhood and adolescence being filled with rules and complications. Now that I’m reaching those milestones, I have to say that I’m not that much happier or free than I was maybe 10 years ago. There was always a huge uncertainty when it came to adult life, how did the bills get paid, why do you have to work such long hours, how do you buy all the things you’d like to have etc…and my mother tried her best to explain that everything is hard, the way you deal with it is by first realizing that it won’t be easy.

I’m trying to apply that to my life now, looking for an apartment, finishing up school, trying to be content, it’s all so foreign to the idea I had that my life would be at this age. I was going to be okay by now, I would have gotten over my past, had my degrees, going into practice, finishing up my book, writing poetry for all the world and loving harder than the sun shines bright….but things don’t always go as you plan. The best you can do, hypothetically is move forward, when the pieces fall apart you can pick the pieces up again if you can find any, or create an entirely new illusion with pieces of the puzzle you remember.

On Friendship. Sidebar.

I’m pleased that I have found a few friends that I can relate to and share my innermost thoughts with, I was beginning to believe that friendship was completely one sided and only lasted up till the person you were friends with had moved on from that particular problem that you were helping them with. What kills me is that I know so many people but they don’t know me, that I love so many people and they don’t know my middle name. Sad really, but reality is sad and grimey and constant and bland and for the most part slightly amusing.

Growing up, loving, hating, being, changing, seeing, seeking, conforming….it’s hard, we can either deal with it or run away from it now and deal with it later.

In search of a Father

My father and my Mother got a divorce when I was too young to remember, growing up I had my grandfather and plethora of male influence, father figures if you will but I was conscious that there was no one I could call daddy, no father daughter time, no secrets between us, no special talks or walks or places we could share…after a while, growing up took precedent over everything and becoming the best person I could be wasn’t entirely dependant on one missing person, will then again, is a person missing if they are making the choice not to be around?

Now that I’m older, reasonably settled and have a path in life; my father has been on my mind. It would be a shame if he passes or if our paths never cross again. I wonder if he has moments where a memory of me invades his entire day or if he ever just wants to know what I look like. I have one picture of my father and his last name, and that’s no longer enough, but how do I find someone that has made no effort or has shown no interest in me? It was easy to answer that question, nothing was done, nothing has been done and I’m fatherless now. I feel the loss every time I look at his picture, see other fathers with their daughters or I see his features in a strangers face.

How do I move on?

Fin

everytime i think i’m done

crying

i see you walking away from me

and my body starts shaking

and the tears flow

unabashedly

everytime i’m done

hurting

bleeding for you

you cut another vein

and i’m near death

there will be no more every time

there will be no more blood

tears

pain

only growth.

The Struggle of being Bi-Polar. Introduction.

So, I’ve known for a very long time that there was something not normal about me. I couldn’t keep friends, I alientated people yet desired them around me at the same time, I cried for weeks on end then I would go numb and I just couldn’t deal. Emotions overwhelmed me and I tried to put the flame out by attempting suicide in High School. Thankfully (I suppose) it wasn’t that deep of a cut, or the cut wasn’t made the correct way so, I survived, moved on, went to therapy for a couple months and I thought that would be it. What a realized walking away from therapy was that I got better at hiding how I felt, that I was a ticking time bomb, that my life was no better and my method of dealing no more useful then when I started.

I became obsessed with being loved, and being wanted and I felt like if I had someone there to love me and be with me and understand that it wouldn’t hurt so much, that the pain wouldn’t burn inside for so long.  Being in love this way is madness, it is above and beyond anything one could ever describe.

Since blogging has been so theraputic, I decided it is time for it to all come out. Maybe this will be better than therapy, even though therapy is where I belong.

Sick and tired but still loving love

The story is the same for most couples that have been together for a long time, who know each other inside out to the point where it’s like reading a book, a book with the same fu%king words, saying the same messed up shit it was saying in chapter one.

You’ve read the book over and over again and the over all story is nice but some chapters need to be re-edited or just plain re-written and the author is just incapable. It’s frustrating, it hurts, you cry, you think about leaving, you wonder why you stay but at the end of it all you do.

You remember the somber brown eyes that lured you into his soul, his confidence, his intelligence, his wit, his charm, handsome face and irresistable body and the potential there for more. Not only for you but for him to excel and the arguments go away for a while, you know they’ll come back but once in a while you just need to revel in him. Enjoy him. Read the chapters that you like, underline your favorite parts, put it up on a pedestal and let all the extra fall away.

If he loves you anything like you love him, I’m sure he’s trying to do the same.

Love.Chronicled. Spoken Word

Get me where it hurts, rub it in, rub me down….put it in. Make sure I know you hate me, take back all the things you told me about…love and family. Break me, make me scream, make me want to change my life, make me regret the past, make me….make me you. Show me that you deserve better, parade her around me, fuck her deep like you did me, take it there, make it fair…hurt me in all the ways you know how. Never let go, never stop, never let up, step it up. You can’t treat me good, you know how to hurt me good, I let your prowess grow, I should have killed this a long time ago.

I can never be what you want me to be, I could never see the things that you see in me, I can never change to be your queen. I’m that lowly bitch, I’m girl you made fun of in high school, I’m the one hiding behind the glasses, watching, waiting for an opportunity knowing I’d get shot down.

I was always there for you and this is what it got me. I have always been true, nothing could have stopped me….because I’m not you…you can’t be in love with me. This is what I have deserved, forever is a long time to love unrequitedly. Who am I to you? Could I have been more? Could I have waited to let you see that I’m more than what you see? Could I have shown you that deserved care? Who is she to you? Nobody doesn’t call your phone, nobody never steals your heart, nobody never changes your tone, nobody never makes you smile….I’m supposed to be your baby.

Time makes it hurt more, death too sweet a release, the only way to prove I am strong is to keep living with the scars you’ve given me. They’re so deep, they never really heal…every lie a curse, every promise a bruise, every kiss a slap in the face. You said you wanted me. I gave you all of me. Is this all I am? A fad? An obsession? A toy to be used and chucked away when you’re bored. Should I learn new tricks baby? Should I become what you want me to be? Should I take it slow….make you scream?