When I get that feeling…

The people you would die for, would they die for you in turn?  Would you die for them still if the answer was no?

You are my blood but I don’t believe I’m a part of you.

On goodness

I have to say that amongst the negativity I’ve met good people, who I wish I could be the pinnacle of good to in return for their kindness and patience…but I don’t do that well. Instead, I will acknowledge that everything isn’t always all bad however I wish I could do more to make them happier, livelier people with more vivid lives.

You guys know who you are, I’ll do this in person tomorrow, at work.

Thoughts Unthought

Eyes shift from lying to tired to welled up with tears. This helplessness will not end. The only ones that can help are gone or completely dead to my insistent screams of “help me please!”

Plain words whispered over emotionally smokey timbers punctuated by a smile that means as much as the non-existent hello and the breeze that announced your presence.

Stuck, confused and completely broken – Mosaic of emotions, fragmented and haplessly glued together by unsteady hands.

You don’t understand.

Time together is seemingly time apart. Mis-spoken thoughts cloud already gloomy skies.

We hold it in and cry silent tears in the hours before sleep claims our weary hearts. We can pretend in the morning.

After D, Before F

How can I show you the other side of me?
I am scared, alone, broken and battered.
You wouldn’t recognized what’s inside, the dark void of blackness that threatens to swallow me whole, the wild unkempt madness that lingers, that abides by no known rules.

I struggle to maintain the me that you know, what you see.
Smiled are filled with lies that cry tears heavy and pregnant when you’re not with me.
When I’m with you everything is not okay. When I’m with you, everything is okay.

I shudder at your thought of me.
Could you love me? Heart pulsating, happiness shattered; the future shows only pain. I wonder can I truly be yours? Tainted body and mind ripped from childhood to womanhood by adults looking for a fix. I wish I could be free from the scars of fires long gone, dampened by my body. I want to show you smooth lines and sharp colors fading into the explosion of my mind’s silhouette, the dream of what I can be.

You free me
you rob me
of the inhibition to deny myself anything that can make me happy
temporary sanity
for this moment I want you to take me
give me everything

Warm body
numbing finger tips
tingles in my spine
soft clothes against my skin
sweet lines
smooth speech
bright eyes
perfect smile
and that firm tug toward infinity
my estacy

Random Thought #1

There comes a time in your life where you nit-pick at everything hoping that you can find someone of importance that everyone else is missing and sometimes you have to accept…that there is nothing there. That your life in invariably the same as most people’s; you’re not special, you’re not unique. You’re a part of the daily grind, with your alarm for work, you 10 minute shower and your rush to get out of the house every morning.

What is the defining factor of a human life? What does one need to do to be unique?

Doubt

I would cross oceans and climb mountains and harness the energies of worlds long gone for you, little girl love all grown up, completely understanding and still ever pure but we’re different people now, you want different things and still run away from our need of each other.

I wonder how it would be if we were ever apart, if you found someone you could tolerate and I found someone I could bear and we lived separate lives…hoping beyond all hope that one day we would see each other again, feel each other again…

Would it all be the same with someone else? Would you go through the motions would you hurt yourself? Can love be enough can pain reinforce values? Doubt. You need me. You miss me and I’m nothing without you.

Transitional Thoughts

Death

bring me back

my god

my faith

Judge me

bring to me heaven

on my knees

I believe

Letters to Love – What just happened?

We’ve been infatuated with each other forever, the hope of a sweet kiss and a gentle touch has stroked our egos and lit our fires for years, but where are we now? I shudder to think that our relationship could have gone so cold, no more talking, no more showing, no more hoping. Where did we go wrong? Was this mutual or was it you or I, locked up in our worlds, praying that everything on the outside would be waiting for us when we returned?

You shocked me with your candor, that is, you shocked me with your pain. Opened up wounds I thought I’d long forgotten, teased me with a past that was completely consuming. What is your ploy? Why do you hurt me? Did I not tend to you as I said I would? Keeping you warm on cold days, opening my arms and my heart and my soul and rendering it to you, pretty please on top with a red bow? Haven’t I been patient? Explaining, straight forward, noble?

We were supposed to be right, the right way to love, the example, the gold standard. How will this go on? Which one of us will break it to our mutual friends. They’ll take your side, you’re perfect. I love you. Don’t go. We couldn’t work it out? I couldn’t make another sacrifice to set things right? Have you see me in the light that I see you? Isn’t there anything I could do?

Don’t do this, don’t pity my with your sympathetic nods and your cold stares. I wanted you to want me as bad as I wanted, no needed you. I wanted you to understand me the way that I thought I understood you. Can you hear me now as I cry into the night, lighting a candle on your side of the room? I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I take it back, let’s start over. I can change, I can be different, I can be someone else, someone you’d want to want, want to need, need to need, need to please. I can be. Anything. Change me. Consume me. Defeat me. Domineer me. Complete me. Fulfil me. Free me.

When you’re not here all I feel is pain and the emptiness that drives poets mad. The eerie silence that makes you want to die, cry, crawl up inside your self and lie. I don’t want to change you, I don’t want to tie you down, you have so much to offer and I don’t have anything else left to give. Believe me.

I know you’re leaving. Just leave.

Growing Up

When I was younger, I always thought that a major accomplishment would be me just reaching a certain age, I saw adult life as a fun, happy life with childhood and adolescence being filled with rules and complications. Now that I’m reaching those milestones, I have to say that I’m not that much happier or free than I was maybe 10 years ago. There was always a huge uncertainty when it came to adult life, how did the bills get paid, why do you have to work such long hours, how do you buy all the things you’d like to have etc…and my mother tried her best to explain that everything is hard, the way you deal with it is by first realizing that it won’t be easy.

I’m trying to apply that to my life now, looking for an apartment, finishing up school, trying to be content, it’s all so foreign to the idea I had that my life would be at this age. I was going to be okay by now, I would have gotten over my past, had my degrees, going into practice, finishing up my book, writing poetry for all the world and loving harder than the sun shines bright….but things don’t always go as you plan. The best you can do, hypothetically is move forward, when the pieces fall apart you can pick the pieces up again if you can find any, or create an entirely new illusion with pieces of the puzzle you remember.

On Friendship. Sidebar.

I’m pleased that I have found a few friends that I can relate to and share my innermost thoughts with, I was beginning to believe that friendship was completely one sided and only lasted up till the person you were friends with had moved on from that particular problem that you were helping them with. What kills me is that I know so many people but they don’t know me, that I love so many people and they don’t know my middle name. Sad really, but reality is sad and grimey and constant and bland and for the most part slightly amusing.

Growing up, loving, hating, being, changing, seeing, seeking, conforming….it’s hard, we can either deal with it or run away from it now and deal with it later.

Brooklyn Boy

I never thought that I would fall for a brooklyn boy, all chocolate brown and sweet as pie.

 

Worldly knowledge and hood swagger

he can go from the new york times to

dealing with this crazy time .

Has a gentle touch, and rough hands

and swears he knows me like the back of his hand

 

Who’s this brooklyn boy that’s killing my composure?

He makes me feel, makes me think, makes me want,

makes me lose control.

 

He’s my weakness

the explosive in my foundation

My fata morgana

where the lack of my will resides

where my knees go weak at the though of his smile

and my heart refuses to beat

 

He’s fire and I’ll surely get burnt

like a peice of paper close to the flame

pulling back from the heat

but wanting to be the reason why it burns

at the same time

 

Burn me

Change me

Consume me

 

This brooklyn boy will surely be my downfall.

He stole my breath and left me panting for more.

Can he take my heart?