Ode to Mischief

I miss Loki.

He was the best cat in the world.

Even my cat, knows that Halo is the business.

After D, Before F

How can I show you the other side of me?
I am scared, alone, broken and battered.
You wouldn’t recognized what’s inside, the dark void of blackness that threatens to swallow me whole, the wild unkempt madness that lingers, that abides by no known rules.

I struggle to maintain the me that you know, what you see.
Smiled are filled with lies that cry tears heavy and pregnant when you’re not with me.
When I’m with you everything is not okay. When I’m with you, everything is okay.

I shudder at your thought of me.
Could you love me? Heart pulsating, happiness shattered; the future shows only pain. I wonder can I truly be yours? Tainted body and mind ripped from childhood to womanhood by adults looking for a fix. I wish I could be free from the scars of fires long gone, dampened by my body. I want to show you smooth lines and sharp colors fading into the explosion of my mind’s silhouette, the dream of what I can be.

You free me
you rob me
of the inhibition to deny myself anything that can make me happy
temporary sanity
for this moment I want you to take me
give me everything

Warm body
numbing finger tips
tingles in my spine
soft clothes against my skin
sweet lines
smooth speech
bright eyes
perfect smile
and that firm tug toward infinity
my estacy

In search of a Father

My father and my Mother got a divorce when I was too young to remember, growing up I had my grandfather and plethora of male influence, father figures if you will but I was conscious that there was no one I could call daddy, no father daughter time, no secrets between us, no special talks or walks or places we could share…after a while, growing up took precedent over everything and becoming the best person I could be wasn’t entirely dependant on one missing person, will then again, is a person missing if they are making the choice not to be around?

Now that I’m older, reasonably settled and have a path in life; my father has been on my mind. It would be a shame if he passes or if our paths never cross again. I wonder if he has moments where a memory of me invades his entire day or if he ever just wants to know what I look like. I have one picture of my father and his last name, and that’s no longer enough, but how do I find someone that has made no effort or has shown no interest in me? It was easy to answer that question, nothing was done, nothing has been done and I’m fatherless now. I feel the loss every time I look at his picture, see other fathers with their daughters or I see his features in a strangers face.

How do I move on?