After D, Before F

How can I show you the other side of me?
I am scared, alone, broken and battered.
You wouldn’t recognized what’s inside, the dark void of blackness that threatens to swallow me whole, the wild unkempt madness that lingers, that abides by no known rules.

I struggle to maintain the me that you know, what you see.
Smiled are filled with lies that cry tears heavy and pregnant when you’re not with me.
When I’m with you everything is not okay. When I’m with you, everything is okay.

I shudder at your thought of me.
Could you love me? Heart pulsating, happiness shattered; the future shows only pain. I wonder can I truly be yours? Tainted body and mind ripped from childhood to womanhood by adults looking for a fix. I wish I could be free from the scars of fires long gone, dampened by my body. I want to show you smooth lines and sharp colors fading into the explosion of my mind’s silhouette, the dream of what I can be.

You free me
you rob me
of the inhibition to deny myself anything that can make me happy
temporary sanity
for this moment I want you to take me
give me everything

Warm body
numbing finger tips
tingles in my spine
soft clothes against my skin
sweet lines
smooth speech
bright eyes
perfect smile
and that firm tug toward infinity
my estacy

Untitled

I know you’ll see me
looking back at you
eyes wide, brown and new
searching for a way to comfort you.
Tell me who you are
I’d guard it with my heart
show me all your scars

We can be
I can be
better
healed

Hold my hand
Don’t let go
I’m strong I know but
help me
I want to let you in
Forgive my past sins
I want to be with you

Let’s never give this up
this echo of love in our souls
never
let this be
our healing
our need
our love
our acquaintance with god

Come with me

Brook-Lynn

She’s everything I thought she would be, all warm and full of hope. Beautiful, with big brown eyes and one day i’ll get to see her smile for days. I can’t wait till she can walk and talk and hug and laugh and play with me and share her joy with everyone else. I pray she’ll have her dad’s sense of humor and a be wise beyond her years. She’s a gift, she’s a blessing, she makes me want to dedicate myself to a higher power to ensure her future. Brook-Lynn. Sweet, beautiful…Brook-Lynn. You mean the world to me.

I loved you before I met you, you were hope beyond hope and had my love in a way that only you could have. I can’t wait to meet you. Can’t wait to hold you. Watch with pride as you grow into your own.

I love you god-daughter. Welcome to the world.

Sick and tired but still loving love

The story is the same for most couples that have been together for a long time, who know each other inside out to the point where it’s like reading a book, a book with the same fu%king words, saying the same messed up shit it was saying in chapter one.

You’ve read the book over and over again and the over all story is nice but some chapters need to be re-edited or just plain re-written and the author is just incapable. It’s frustrating, it hurts, you cry, you think about leaving, you wonder why you stay but at the end of it all you do.

You remember the somber brown eyes that lured you into his soul, his confidence, his intelligence, his wit, his charm, handsome face and irresistable body and the potential there for more. Not only for you but for him to excel and the arguments go away for a while, you know they’ll come back but once in a while you just need to revel in him. Enjoy him. Read the chapters that you like, underline your favorite parts, put it up on a pedestal and let all the extra fall away.

If he loves you anything like you love him, I’m sure he’s trying to do the same.

Love.Chronicled. Spoken Word

Get me where it hurts, rub it in, rub me down….put it in. Make sure I know you hate me, take back all the things you told me about…love and family. Break me, make me scream, make me want to change my life, make me regret the past, make me….make me you. Show me that you deserve better, parade her around me, fuck her deep like you did me, take it there, make it fair…hurt me in all the ways you know how. Never let go, never stop, never let up, step it up. You can’t treat me good, you know how to hurt me good, I let your prowess grow, I should have killed this a long time ago.

I can never be what you want me to be, I could never see the things that you see in me, I can never change to be your queen. I’m that lowly bitch, I’m girl you made fun of in high school, I’m the one hiding behind the glasses, watching, waiting for an opportunity knowing I’d get shot down.

I was always there for you and this is what it got me. I have always been true, nothing could have stopped me….because I’m not you…you can’t be in love with me. This is what I have deserved, forever is a long time to love unrequitedly. Who am I to you? Could I have been more? Could I have waited to let you see that I’m more than what you see? Could I have shown you that deserved care? Who is she to you? Nobody doesn’t call your phone, nobody never steals your heart, nobody never changes your tone, nobody never makes you smile….I’m supposed to be your baby.

Time makes it hurt more, death too sweet a release, the only way to prove I am strong is to keep living with the scars you’ve given me. They’re so deep, they never really heal…every lie a curse, every promise a bruise, every kiss a slap in the face. You said you wanted me. I gave you all of me. Is this all I am? A fad? An obsession? A toy to be used and chucked away when you’re bored. Should I learn new tricks baby? Should I become what you want me to be? Should I take it slow….make you scream?