I’ve never been shocked by the idea of other siblings, in fact growing up in the Caribbean it was startling that I was an only child. My father had other plans doe me however and now I know that I am the middle child of his with five siblings altogether. I was excited at the prospect of meeting this man, who shared my eagerness to know if we were linked by my father, a man who is a stranger to me in every way.

After two days of my mother’s world class detective work, I had his number.

It was hard to find any reason to not love him. Smart, charming and sharing my father’s gait; he was everything I could have hoped for. Our first coversation was no where near as awkward as I anticipated and our Skype chat later than that had me smiling ear to ear.

Most mothers say, that the feeling that they get the first time they hold / see their child is one of indescribable joy – last night I came the closest to relating to that. I feel finally like some how my destiny has been fulfilled, I now have a role that I have always wanted…I’m someone’s sister.

I struggle with the darkness, trying to convince me that you won’t make it back safely. I start to believe, over the course of hours that the night has taken you to a place I would never be able to reach and that one day I would lose you, not because you’re a bad man but by sheer coincidence and pure bad luck. I worry for our future.

I know that you heart is here, in this home that we share and I will you to find your way back to our warm bed.

My mind wanders too hard and too fast and I dread the time that we’re apart, the denial of your laughter, of your voice of your presence it scares me to no end because I know that one day one of us will leave the other behind…

I want to be the first to go. I can not deal with this world without you. It is meaningless if you are not here, with me, telling me that everything will be alright.

My heart sinks every time you walk out of the door, regardless of what it is that tears you away. My heart sinks every time I walk out the door, nothing more than sharing the day is soothing than anything else I can find to do outside of you.

I can’t live without you.

Who knew Cyndi Lauper could blow like this?

Seriously! I’m shocked, I’ve always maintained the idea that Cyndi Lauper was the Ciara of her generation…but I was wrong and I’m glad I found out this way.

At last….

I immediately tried to find all of her music and disappointingly only found a few songs but I was impressed by her vocals on everyone. Then seeing her perform live, it invoked the music of times gone past; soulful, tireless and completely taken over by the feeling that she was trying to invoke when she sang.

When Back to Black came out I rushed to get it and was not let down. Love is a losing game, Back to Black, Tears dry on their own, You know I’m no good…she became more human and more relateable than most of the music that was out of the time. It was considered “sad” but I couldn’t stop listening. I could feel her heartbreak, I could feel her losses, her gains…and then I realized because of the news that she was an addict. I struggled with this, as I’m sure many have. It is easy for non addicts to believe that getting off of a drug is easy; the same way it’s easy for someone to tell someone that’s depressed to stop being sad.

I was rooting for her. She was my Whitney. I defended her. I rallied for her and when I felt like my depression was taking me too far I listened to her music and felt like there was someone in the world who might understand. There was something about her that was raw, honest and unyielding and I admired it in everything she sang. It was impossible for me to not love her, I think looking back at it.

Now that she’s passed, I’m sad but not shocked. She could not find peace, she could not hold on to hope and i’m sure that in my darkest hour that will be something else that I’ll hold as a kin to her.

For the people that say that she’s not a legend and she doesn’t deserve to be called a talented artist because her addiction took her to a place that she could not escape…I’m not sure by what measure they’re judging. It’s always so acceptable for male, rock and roll artists to be addicts because that is part of the struggle but when it is in any other genre the same genius gets denied because of her issues with drugs.

I hope that whatever the afterlife brings if it is anything at all, that she is finally whole.

My thoughts are with her family.

The USA as big and bad as we like to tote ourselves are failing our future. Our children can’t get something basic as a High School education and have the probability of passing. Most kids fail out or graduate without a proficiency in reading comprehension or math.

It was positively heart breaking. Some children only have a chance at a good education if they are placed in a lottery for a charter school or a private school which most can’t afford. The numbers were crazy; something like 135 applicants for 10 entry spots in the school. *Sigh*

Informed the hubby that we have to either move, or make very good provisions for our children if we have them so that they can get a good opportunity and it’s crazy that you do have to go through so much just to give your children a fighting chance.

More on this when I’m less upset. Jeez.

A slight tan and a gorgeous sunset ended the evening and the fading color of the sky our companion on the way back. I was glad that I gave it a try and even happier that I got to spend time with my family.

Here’s a bit of what I saw.

Now, here’s a picture of my cat.