On future parenting

So.

I have this cat.

I mean, he’s nice enough…very handsome, expressive and dominant in his own ways but in as much as he is independent he is needy, he constantly wants attention and of course, it must be on his own terms. He walks up to me…rubs his body along my shins…I bend down to pet him and he runs away. He meows at me, walks back over and stands in front of me, like a child demanding a treat before dinner and wails until he gets the specific type of attention he needs. When he is content; and he never is for long…he carries about his business and it is within this time, his cat time that I can never intrude. I can’t move his toys, I can’t move any of the multiple beds he has around the house or he throws a tantrum (you would think it’s not possible for a cat to do so…but it really is)…everything is on his whim, his time and his want. If I’m lucky…I’ll get non crazy behavior before bedtime and if I’m even more lucky than that, I’d make it through the entire night without him climbing up on the bed and trying to lay awkwardly between A and I and getting upset when we move and wake him up or I can escape without him waking us up meowing simply because he wants to be acknowledged.

Cutest thing about the annoying things that he does in the morning though, is that he walks up to your face when you’re sleeping…and if your eyes are closed – he’ll take his paw and he’ll tap you somewhere…no claw and very gently somewhere….a couple of times if he’s feeling determined and when  you open his eyes, he’ll purr and carry on like nothing happen.

I think this is preparing me greatly in ways that I never imagined for what true parent hood maybe like (and no, I’m not saying a cat is like a child) in terms of the little things shinning through the annoyances, the sacrifices and the slight change to your schedule in favor of what the little one would like to do even if … it’s completely silly like chase the edges of the carpet.

Definitely love my cat.

Lost and Found – Poem

I look into the distance

my love I watch from afar

My heart skipping beats

my breath out of controlled

My soul stands still

I believe I’ve found him

Holiday Season Stagnance

I’m not really a fan of “Christmas” because of course there is no evidence of the historical Jesus so there isn’t nearly enough to go on to believe that he was born exactly on the December 25, that the Winter Solstice is always around this time and the early Christians did a lot to compromise with the pagans leave my lack of belief in these festivities lacking. Not to say I don’t participate. I love my cousins and my friends and gift giving my specialty, though I don’t want until Christmas to give.

I think as humanity we need Christmas as a holiday to focus on other people because we get so caught up in our day to day bull so that we can appreciate the people that we love, the people that love us and tunnel that. What I don’t like about holidays like Christmas and Valentine’s Day is that it tunnels affection into this small windows of opportunity that it makes it okay for us to completely dismiss our loved ones during the course of the year.

My Holiday Wish, would be to see that change and to endeavor to be better to my family and friends every day.

 

A Spike Lee Joint

I’ve always been interested in how the American government treats it’s people and the seeming inability for us to get out of the detrimental cycles that we go over seas to free other people from. I’m currently watching; If God willing and Da creek don’t rise; a follow up documentary style film by Spike Lee. A follow up to When the levees broke which was done to bring to light the plight of those affected by hurricane Katrina.

If God willing and Da creek don’t rise is heart breaking, they examine everything from just the general feeling of the people, to the time in which our government at the time responded; that response in comparison to our response to foreign disaster, the rise in mental issues of the people who survived Katrina, the level of crime and the corruption of the police; the racial tensions and mistreatments in comparison to other states and the more recent BP/Oil Spill disaster.

It can’t be denied that at times as the policeman for the world, we tend to care for others more than our own. This film highlights those things and will hopefully make the people who are exposed to it, examine American as a country first; filled with people who have dire needs, more dire if not equally as some of the countries that we spend on…but, we don’t show these things on TV. Why would we? If we can stay trapped in the idea that America is great and that we are great for the world community on the whole, then our citizens won’t wonder collectively and demand action on many of the social injustices that we experience. We’re taught that we’re so much better off that everyone else so we shouldn’t complain; but when we’re not leading the world by example then its all for nothing.

Action needs to be taken and it starts with every individual wanting something to change. We don’t have to be masked vigilantes to make a difference but we should clean our own yard before we criticize someone else’s.

I miss…

When you miss someone, what is it that makes you ache? Is it the big things like them not being around you or is it the little things…like the way smelled after a shower?

A lot of my “missing” is triggered by smells, tastes and moments of deja vu. For instance, I miss the way a particular house smells the first time you enter it after a long day of work, I miss the way my grandmother’s food tasted…the way she would ask me to taste it before everyone else…as if the very act made it a complete dish, I miss the way my mother’s eyes light up when she watches wrestling and yells at the TV as if she can determine the next move, I miss Sunday dinner with the family, I miss the feeling of communion religion can bring, I miss the way real meat used to taste…freshly killed and tender. I miss my grandfather’s stories after he had a few drinks…the way his sweat would smell; half sweat, half rum cooled onto his skin by the dew filled air.

I miss TV not cutting off after a particular time. I miss playing outside. I miss the feeling of rushing home to watch cartoons. I miss the way you would make me tea in the middle of the night, with random spices as I sit on the kitchen counter…waiting for your potion with the full capability of doing it myself but knowing the only way I would be satisfied is if you do it. I miss the way I would barricade myself on the bed with the mosquito netting tucked in, hoping that I didn’t end up leaning on it and getting bit through the net anyway.

I miss the sense of awe and wonderment I had as a child, I miss my High School Uniform and the sense of purpose and identity it gave, I miss watching the boys play cricket during lunch, I miss playing market outside under the mango trees…I miss a lot.

I appreciate a lot. I miss a lot of people; some have passed, others are far away and some are nearby but there is nothing I can do to remedy the distance…I miss them all, I love them all and I will never forget them.

Soul Time

When you’re soul is broken and you feel like you’re not yourself, you need to step back, put everything on hold and just allow healing time. It doesn’t have to be much; you don’t need to run away to an Island in Crete or drown your woes in the best Columbian Cocaine; sometimes the best get away is right in your room, in your bed, locking out the world and knowing that at the very least there is one person; whether they are present or not, that loves you unconditionally.

I’ve found that just the idea of being loved, the concept that someone knows and recognizes me for me, will make the right decisions for me and will have my best interests in the four front of their mind is comforting. I feel less alone. I feel less incomplete.

I know that I am capable of love and I am capable of receiving love. That has been my life’s lesson for this vacation. Think, meditate, love, be kind, revel in the small things and live life not like there’s no tomorrow but that if there is a tomorrow it will be better than today and if there is a tomorrow; it will be a better day just for you having taken part in it.

Sometimes this isn’t easy. I’m not saying that I will walk around with a smile on my face forever, and be happy and cheerful and love life and not dwell on pain; what I’m saying is that love is eternal, pain passes when you learn the lesson and life is our one shot. Enjoy it.

Another for Lightbringer.

I love you. <3

Creativity vs Life

I’ve always been a firm believer that life isn’t always about the destination but about how you get there and what you learn along the way. With that said, I know all the things that I want to do but creating that path isn’t always easy. Not that the things I want to accomplish are so daunting, its sheer laziness and the inability to see myself past where I am currently.

Another issue is keeping my creative juices flowing, as a writer when life gets a hold of you and the sadness hits its difficult to write about anything that utter sadness and people who go through it every day don’t want to read about it, so, knowing that I get stuck in a cycle of writers block and writers remorse when I write or type anything out. Hell, it’s a 50/50 shot that this blog will even get posted and I have about 8 drafts that are non published chunks of writing just sitting there, floating in the ethereal space that is WordPress.

My solution? I don’t have one. I think working at a job where your soul gets sucker punched at least once a day has an effect on my ability to be creative and feel like I’m creating something worth sharing or even worth writing down. Getting home late, with no time to even fix myself a proper dinner in the heat before I want to collapse is also another factor…I can’t very well quit my job and stay home to write can I? No bills will get paid so I’m off to try to find a happy medium.

I will be slightly creative and slightly tired more than likely or creative with no desire to get up and write. We’ll see. I will just try force blogging more often.

Form and Function

i did
there was
hes
i
ta
tion
i was close enough to
touch
lips
but suddenly
you
weren’t there
to greet me
with moist lips
mirrored
between my hips
and
i
had to breathe again
and
move closer
and
all of a sudden
its
you and i
and
you
and
i
as one
for
a second, a brief
meeting of lips
understanding of hearts
a
rea
son
to
be
here

Selfish Guys

A selfish guy is normally an apparent jerk. You can spot him immediately and you know that there’s something wrong with him for the most part but you don’t exactly know what. As a woman your first instinct is to think that you can fix him and it’s just that he’s endured a lot of hurt. If you love him hard enough you can break his awful perception of the fair sex.

You’re wrong.

Selfish guys are a couple steps ahead of you and they are skilled emotional manipulators. They draw you in with the sob story about being hurt and you go above and beyond to not be like the last bitch that hurt him. You fall in love with his broken soul persona and you attempt to love the pain out. You notice things about his personality that you think you can shrug off for the most part; him talking over you, not acknowledging what you say, him telling you that you can’t hang out with your friends etc as him being over protective, concerned and not being able to survive without you. So, things progress, and then when he gets comfortable he loosens his belt and then you really see him but then its too late.

You love him.

He’s annoying. He talks about himself constantly and only asks you about yourself as a way to start talking about his day and his life.  He puts you down in front of other people and he does not consider your feelings or your time because quite frankly it’s not as important as his. He is now spoiled over your extreme actions of making him comfortable and you can not remember the last time he did something nice for you and you can count on one hand how many times he has been nice to you and now that you look back at it you see that it was only because he wanted something in return. His needs trump yours.  Any attempts to discuss his personality flaws or the fact that he never helps you around the house results in a shut down and the first words out of his mouth are always about breaking up because he knows you will never follow through with it because he knows that you don’t want to be the stigma. He’s going to be telling the next girl the sob story about you; how you never cared about him and you treated him bad and you’ll never be there to defend yourself.

Way too far into it you wonder what really happened in his last relationship; if anything he told you was true or if everything was a clever web and now you’re caught; stuck and you’re in love. The connections you made with friends are broken, family slightly removed because of his selfish behavior and you can’t move because it will be harder to leave than stay. You learn to take what you can get, cling to one second of happiness and you learn how to tip toe around his mood and his perceived niceness.

When he sees someone more attractive to him, he weaves another trap for you and leaves you high and dry and the next girl is more than eager to take your place because she sees how hurt he is, how broken he is and now its her turn to prove every other girl he’s been with wrong and love the pain out of him.

Now you’re bitter and alone and you have difficulty trusting, you have a hard time committing and he’s happily manipulating another fly.

Now what?

Wounds of Sound

I used to be afraid, scared to death
at the sound of their piercing wail,
now, I sleep soundly to their
seeking echoes

I can not imagine my life without them.
Sad that this is commonplace
but at least here, I can see it,
can see the corruption
and it isn’t hidden under top secret stamps
and clandestine meetings

We don’t need your interference.
Your troubles soon will surface,
and overwhelm and confuse you.
I’m just the messenger
You can shoot
I’m not afraid

Maybe the sound
will lull me to a better place
where nightmares and nighmarish
realities don’t exist.

S
H
O
O
T

(Old Piece – August 21st 2008)