Thoughts Unthought

Eyes shift from lying to tired to welled up with tears. This helplessness will not end. The only ones that can help are gone or completely dead to my insistent screams of “help me please!”

Plain words whispered over emotionally smokey timbers punctuated by a smile that means as much as the non-existent hello and the breeze that announced your presence.

Stuck, confused and completely broken – Mosaic of emotions, fragmented and haplessly glued together by unsteady hands.

You don’t understand.

Time together is seemingly time apart. Mis-spoken thoughts cloud already gloomy skies.

We hold it in and cry silent tears in the hours before sleep claims our weary hearts. We can pretend in the morning.

After D, Before F

How can I show you the other side of me?
I am scared, alone, broken and battered.
You wouldn’t recognized what’s inside, the dark void of blackness that threatens to swallow me whole, the wild unkempt madness that lingers, that abides by no known rules.

I struggle to maintain the me that you know, what you see.
Smiled are filled with lies that cry tears heavy and pregnant when you’re not with me.
When I’m with you everything is not okay. When I’m with you, everything is okay.

I shudder at your thought of me.
Could you love me? Heart pulsating, happiness shattered; the future shows only pain. I wonder can I truly be yours? Tainted body and mind ripped from childhood to womanhood by adults looking for a fix. I wish I could be free from the scars of fires long gone, dampened by my body. I want to show you smooth lines and sharp colors fading into the explosion of my mind’s silhouette, the dream of what I can be.

You free me
you rob me
of the inhibition to deny myself anything that can make me happy
temporary sanity
for this moment I want you to take me
give me everything

Warm body
numbing finger tips
tingles in my spine
soft clothes against my skin
sweet lines
smooth speech
bright eyes
perfect smile
and that firm tug toward infinity
my estacy

Random Thought #1

There comes a time in your life where you nit-pick at everything hoping that you can find someone of importance that everyone else is missing and sometimes you have to accept…that there is nothing there. That your life in invariably the same as most people’s; you’re not special, you’re not unique. You’re a part of the daily grind, with your alarm for work, you 10 minute shower and your rush to get out of the house every morning.

What is the defining factor of a human life? What does one need to do to be unique?

Running

The scent that clings to me is undoubtedly yours
Masculine, subtle and overpowering
There is nothing I wouldn’t do
to ensure that for one moment
I am embedded in you in this consuming way
They way you have taken over me

I can still feel the tingle of our last kiss
Your arms wrapped around me
Your lips grazing my shoulder
and
Murmurs of I love you
and see you laters
and be safes

I can’t explain this desperate
feeling of loneliness
That takes over me
when I’m merely steps away
when I’ve turned my back to you
and I’m getting on the train

Running away from you

Do you feel it too?
The numbness, the feeling that you’ve left your heart behind
that your soul is withering before your eyes?

Teachers: Whats the true value of a good school system?

I’ve always been interested in helping and in that religion and religious rituals have always come up, now that I’m ready to get settled in my career I find anamolies; teachers aren’t that valuable or at least that’s what their pay conveys.

Teaching is hard work and it seems that the tenderest hearts get into it; people who want to or believe that they can make a difference and what better way to start than getting fresh minds some open and willing to learn? Most of the teachers that I had in high school made and broke me; wonderfully intelligent people who weren’t challenged by me asking questions and stating a contrary opinion but saddened when everyone else couldn’t think for themselves. Teachers shape you attitudes and give you your first glimpse of adult life outside of the scaubbles of your parents trying to make rent.

So, why is it that our teachers are both under appreciated and underpaid? Do we really place more value in our athletes and super stars? As a society it says a lot about how we feel about education which is quite frankly disgusting considering that movie stars went to school and athletes went to school as well. School is your stepping stone to greater things; yes there are exceptions but those stories are extraordainary, in the everyday teachers are who we entrust the minds of our children, I would figure that would be important.

Lucky for society, good teachers do it despite the meager wages. In a few years, I will be teaching your kids, I hope that there is a pay increase but, I will do it regardless.

Octomom BS.

I’ve become tired of hearing about her and her obsession with children. Is this what passes for entertainment and celebrity? Yes, the more you talk about her, the more famous she will become. The more you tell her friends about her, the more the paparazzi will follow her about and interview her for the News.

Did you guys know that the Head of Guinea with assassinated about a week and a half ago? Do you know where Guinea is? Yeah. Let’s focus on what’s important people!!!!!

Sephora Mini Haul 3/9/09

So, I’m starting to dig make up and the culture behind it, its good to know it’s not all drag queens and barbie wannabees.

I’ve been killing department store make up for a couple months now, not that there’s anything wrong with that but I wanted some eyeshadow that would stay a little longer and I wanted to venture out of my black into colors that were a bit bolder and more blend-able.

I’ve been watching tutorials on youtube and just reading about different brands and based on my research I came across two brands that I was really interested in: Urban Decay (www.urbandecay.com) and ELF (www.eyeslipsface.com) so I placed and order with ELF and went into sephora to check out the Urban Decay stuff.

I purchased the Urban Decay Sustainable Palette and it’s super cool because it’s actually environmentally friendly products i.e. recycled and recyclable materials.

The sustainable Palette as the following Colors:

YDK, Midnight Cowboy Rides Again, Flipside, Flas, Grifter, Oil Slick, Uzi, Kiddie Pool, Twice Baked and Half Baked.

It was my first time shopping at Sephora and I signed up for their rewards program which gained me: Dior Addict Lip Shine in Catwalk Mauve which gives you more of a subtle tint; a sample of Au Naturel by Fekkai and some kind of tan aid.

All in all, I don’t think I did too bad. Pray for me. There’s bright colors in this palette.

Watchmen The Movie

Initial thoughts before seeing the movie, being a big fan of the book: It was gonna suck but it was going to look good while it sucked major ass.

So, I saw it and I was blown away within the first 10 seconds. I have to say that the opening scene with the Comedian was one of the greatest scenes in the movie. The likeness of the characters to the depictions on the novel were also on point and were translated on screen to the best of their ability without it being a 10 hour film (hey if Warhol can do it….) So, it had me from hello; preserved the most of the story or what they deemed as the important bits and there was a lot of additional scenes that were not panels that was based on the pictures and clippings from the Original Nite Owl’s book. Rorschach was the best character and definitely set the tone for the movie; the well meaning vigilante with strong values and a sense to get to the bottom of things…

Good movie; ending changed a bit to resolve some loose ends
/spoiler/ there was no alien…I think Alan Moore was on a bit of something when he wrote that in anyway/spoiler/ but it still gets the point across; it shows the struggle of friendships through power, regime change, mindset changes etc and how these human beings deal with it. Love, war, peace, anger, forgiveness, passion, hatred…these are all emotions that were tapped on, and it was done right. Of course the book couldn’t be translated 100% accurately to screen…but 90% is pretty damn good, no?

Kindle and Audio Books

Kindle 2 looks great, way too expensive for something that can only handle one function and looks fragile so…definitely not something I can actually buy (I would break it the first day, I’m sure) I’m okay with the actual books, going to the book store, talking to random people in the aisles, getting recommendations when you pick up a book to read the cover; the social aspect of it all is important as well. I’m sure that the amount of money I would spend on books would be relatively the same and I can use that extra $300 to buy more books which I can pass on to a friend, keep for a loved one etc. I got slightly caught up in the gadget aspect of the Kindle and the Kindle 2 that I forgot that reading a book was more than just the actual reading.

Just like how going to star bucks is more than actually getting a cup of over priced coffee, juice, coffee-juice or tea with a long name. The gadgets are about keeping up, having the latest technology while books are about the mind, the interaction, sharing and imagination.

Audio books to me are dumb unless you are driving for more than 10 hours and you don’t have company; but then again it might bore you to sleep. Why would you want someone to read you a book unless you’re a child that wants to go to bed and why would you want some random Microsoft Sam or Microsoft Jill voice reading you a mystery novel? Makes no sense. Well, not to me anyways, I’m not calling you stupid or dumb if you listen to audio books on your ipod on the train when you could just simply have the book in your hand and read it…I’m just saying that as a writer and reader; you’d take more away if you read it yourself, in your own voice, with your own emotions.

Read Smart People.

Rihanna, Chris Brown and Fame

We don’t know the full story, but, seems like everyone is choosing sides and laying blame; they both contributed to the situation; Chris Brown a bit more than Rihanna. As human beings we are not always able to control our emotions but we should be able to control our reactions.

The sad part of this is that the country is so outraged by it because it’s two young “hollywood” stars, so many women and men (yeah I said it, men) die from domestic abuse every year and it seems only those affected by it directly are the only ones that care about it year round; the masses only care about it when it’s their favorite pop star.

We can not eliminate the possibility that she may have hit him, I have in my anger struck out at my significant other however he is stronger and faster and knows that he could do way more damage to me then I ever can to him with just bare hands so…he walked away and at times held me so I couldn’t move; it is not impossible to think that someone (Chris Brown) who grew up in an abusive home could not process his reaction and while he knew that his mom was hurt in a similar situation could not liken what his mom went through and what he’s going through. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not taking Chris Brown’s side, but I believe that everything isn’t always so black and white.
Rihanna’s face is clear however, that she was hurt and that it was above and beyond just a slight reaction to whatever it is she might have said or done, it was extreme and she was gravely hurt. To the people that are upset about this, be upset about it all year and remember that women aren’t always the ones that get abused.

835,000 men are battered each year and most of them never speak out or get help or consuelling. We need to break the cycle for both genders.

I wish Rihanna well, I hope that she can find true happiness and I hope Chris Brown can work out his issues; therapy perhaps? Who knows. Time will tell; they are stars, it’s not like they have any privacy.